I don't have listen to the list of things I should do. I won't try. I won't try....

I haven't written in how long now? I'm feeling completely inadequet in every way.

I feel as if I am nothing, as if I should not, and in theory, don't exist.

A long time ago this was a place of refuge, and somewhere in between now and then it became a place to be who other people wanted me to be. Never a good place to be.

Here's the thing, I don't care any more. There are some of you out there who I love and love your opinions, thoughts, encouragements. And others, while this sounds tactless, can go screw yourselves. Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad at anyone person. I'm mad at society as a whole, and sadly I think it started because 2 people removed me from their favorites since I was last here. I know my writting hasn't been up to par, but come on guys, give a girl a break. Life has, afterall, taken some untimely turns and frankly right now, I feel like my SUV has flipped over the railing right now.

I'm tired of feeling incompetent and stupid. I'm tired of having conversations with people who clearly don't appreciate what I have to offer. It's a pointless act.

I'm tired of so many things, and some of them are going to have to change. But changing is never easy. Nik once told me that I'm a chameleon... always changing when need be. I find it much harder these days to adapt.

I'm very alone right now. I've lost the support of the people I've leaned on; some of them for 4 years, others just in the past year, some even less than that. I've marred a friendship that I cherished by being too aggressive, and too pushy... both things I'm highly capable of and entirely too good at. The loss of this one friendship is the only one I truely mourn.

The other that I've lost should have been done a long time ago. Just becaues families have known one another for years, does not mean that if there is no other reason, one should stay in close relation to the other. When it starts to take a toll on either side, it's time to end things. So, I have. And while this bothers me to a degree, at the same time it makes me feel almost as if I've accomplished a sense of revenge. Revenge for not being the friend I needed, and my forever being the friend that was desired.

I'm no good at resolutions, so I don't make them. Somehow in the years past this hasn't bothered me, but this year, it makes me feel almost goal-less. What am I looking to acheive in the next year? Well, escaping death, keeping a roof over our heads, food on the table and a car to get to work is a start. And then you think about health, and I guess that's really what's got me started on this tonight anyway.

Emma is sick. She's got Inpetigo. She'll survive. But, since I lost my job I don't have insurance, which, makes her prescriptions $103 total. That's money I don't have. That's money I don't have half of. So, she'll have to go withouth until further notice and we'll just have to see what happens. I could skip some of my rent, but it's been paid. I could skip my car payment, but, it's been paid. There's no solution this time. Grin and bear it. Thank Motrin for making a children's formula.

Wow, looks like I'm back to my oldself. You can all start reading again. Bitter, cynical, sarcastic me is home.

Happy fucking new year. Heather - 2005-01-03 22:02:50
People are fickle. Do not take your sense of value from your buddy list honey..those that care, and honestly do so, will remain permanent fixtures...
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warcrygirl - 2005-01-03 22:30:21
Just write for yourself dear. Sometimes people "clean up" their favorites if they think a diary won't bu updated anymore. I've done that before; not because I didn't like what was written but because it hadn't been updated in a long time.

Chin up sweetie; I wish I had some money to send you. *hugs*
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Sandy - 2005-01-03 22:43:02
Did you tell your doctor that you do not have the money for the prescriptions? Someone should be able to help with this. I am upset to hear that she is suffering with this...please keep me posted.
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Des - 2005-01-04 01:58:45
what is inpetigo? Babe...please remember I'm here.
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Visitor - 2005-01-04 09:49:54
Empetigo is a skin infection. I get it all the time and all I need for it is an antibiotic ointment that I buy over the counter. But that's just me.
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Big Seeester - 2005-01-05 14:18:15
I used to get Impetigo when I was a kid. Main Entry: im�pe�ti�go Pronunciation: im-pe-tie-go, Function: noun : an acute contagious staphylococcal or streptococcal skin disease characterized by vesicles, pustules, and yellowish crusts My doctor gave me a prescription for zovirex that I use all the time. I don't get it as bad as I used to, but I still get it. They are a lot like cold sores on your lip, but are on the skin (they are a form of herpes). She must have a really serious case because most major health complications from it are rare. It is VERY contagious though, so be very very careful!!
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