Give It Up
2005-02-12 @ 5:16 p.m.

"Oh girl, remember what your knees are for..."

I'm so tired of fighting. I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of fighting with Mark, with my brother, with my daughter with myself, with life. I'm wiped out.

All of this today, after feeling so good last night. Feeling so sexy, beautiful, content, warm... safe.

I want to feel his arms around me again, feel his hands rubbing my back... just right. I want to feel his lips gently pressing against mine.

I had to stop myself. I would have let myself go, and even so, when I stood up, my legs felt like they were going to come out from under me. But I felt so good. And when he was taking care of me, so simply by telling me to get to bed, that I needed to get some rest, it made me feel protected and safe. When he told me he'd missed me all these years, it made me feel loved.

Yet today, I'm so tired I can barely think straight. I don't even want to try. I want to go home, go to bed, and not get up. That would be so nice, so simple, so perfect.

But I can't because there's someone else who relies on me, and she has no one else so even when I'm so tired I feel like I can't do it any more, I have to. I have no choice. In moments I don't even want to do that any more.

Sometimes, I just want to give it all up.