I have a few things tonight.

First, I've found the perfect man. He's amazing. He's sweet, and kind. He's got a great sense of humor. He's a complete clean freak, and can even cook. He also happens to be gay.

This, is the story of my life.

Secondly, everything happens for a reason, right? Right.

Let me tell you a little story....

I've been trying, or have tried regularly, for the past 10 years to kill myself. In the past say.... 4 years, I haven't attempted anything. All due to my daughters presense in my life and the amazing joy she brings me. I tried everything. Slitting my wrists, over dosing on everything from Advil to Loratab to NoDoz.

My parents never could figure out why I was like this. They never understood that for me, the world spun wildly out of controll without ever stopping.

Funnily, while they couldn't understand it, they never did anything about it either. Even when at the age of 15 I started leaving hate notes around the house for them. I was such an angry person.

In many ways I'm still this person. I'm still incredibly angry. I'm angry because of the situations that have presented themselves in my life over the past 23 years. But most of all I'm angry at myself because I feel like so much of it I could controll and yet, I never understood how to, or maybe even that I could.

Self anger is a really rotten thing.

Just over 4 weeks ago, while at the credit union working, I did something I shouldn't have done. I falsified information in order to benefit myself. In doing this, I gave up. I essentially commited suicide by doing something to destroy the life I knew.

There was absolutely no one who could save me from me the past few months. I was my worst enemy.

My job change, my life being turned upside down, was maybe one of the best things that could have happened to me.

Yes, there is still a long road ahead. The difference is, for the first time EVER, I'm not afraid of what lies in wait at the next turn.

I'm working hard, and it feels so incredibly good. I've stopped looking for a new job, and I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm only making $1 an hour less than I was at my coushy office job, but I feel more productive.

And here's the real kicker: With the hours I'm working, I can go back to school full time in the spring, and not have to worry about not being able to spend the same amount of time with my beautiful daughter.

Finally, I'm in controll of the things around me. And more so, I'm in controll of me.

That wasn't what I had anticipated writing tonight. I'm perfectly okay with that.....

Des - 2004-11-22 00:06:08
That had to be hard to admit, I'm proud of you. All of it...and taking the step to recognize the destructive behavior. That is always that first step in making it better. Let me know when's good to call... Love you, Miss you
-------------------------------
Only God Can Explain