After writing, after longing....

Fuck.

Someone once said that in our words we have to just let go or really, we're lying to ourselves.

I strangely believe that person and when I write, I hold back, and I feel like I'm hiding from something... from me.

I can't do that because it tears a little part of me with every little letter. With every double spaced paragraph it's etched a little more deeply into what, who, I used to be.

I want to let the words fly. I want to say what I want to say and not worry about who says what or thinks what about any of it.

I want to tell you to go screw yourself.

I want to tell you how badly I want to throw you down, to take what I want without asking.

I want to yell and scream and tell you that your wrong.

I want nothing more than to stop feeling like I'm bashing my head into a wall all because I want what I can't have.

You're right. I should want what I have. I should love the things I have. I've got a great effing life. I do. I can't really complain, and yet, I long for so much more.

Aren't we all? Aren't we all seeking that ultimate happiness? There are cultures that believe that reaching orgasam is the ultimate happiness. That you can reach enlightenment through sex.

It's so appealing.

It's so gratifying to think that fucking you, blowing you, tasting you, taking you would bring such great joy.

I want rough, uninhibited sex. I want raw passion. I want to feel you feeling me.

I want to scream that I don't know what's wrong with me. That I don't know what else I can do. I've spent so much time trying to be perfect for you, for everyone and I get nothing. I get the "It's not you, it's me" speech in every aspect of life.

Well you know what? I'm more than your toy, I'm more than your bitch, I'm more than anything you could imagine.

I'm the best thing to happen to you, and you'll never see it. You'll never accept it. And one day, you'll wake up, and realize that you've blown it. That you settled, and I'm gone.

I'm gone.

Big Seester - 2004-11-03 15:57:14
It's the human condition... desire. We want things.. and when we get them we're happy for a little while. And then we want more and more. Truth comes from wanting what you already have. It comes from living in the now. But we're human...and there will always be one more thing we wish we had.
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Me - 2004-11-03 16:22:35
That's only part of it. Wanting, desire, of something, of a physical object is only a partial realization.

Wanting a controll is what it's truely about.
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To You, and You, and You