Wasn't meant to be so random
2004-10-28 @ 9:44 a.m.

Someone told me to find beauty I must travel the world. But to truely behold it, I must carry it within me...

I've had a hard time updating this morning after last night's entry.

That, is what writing for me is all about. I'm an incredibly sexual being. I love sex, I love physical touch, I love to touch and be touched. So much so that I rarely go through a conversation without touching the person. People who aren't physical people scare me, mostly because I don't know how to act around them.

I went out with my friend Cayle last night. It was good to be with him. To be with someone who understands the physical side of me.

We went about 25 miles outside of town and parked off the road in an open field. We layed a blanket on the hood of my car and shared two thermos' of hot chai. We watched the moon fade slowly into the darkeness of the panhandle sky. But mostly we talked.

I always forget how I can talk to him, as we don't see each other near enough. Suddenly, I found myself just spilling everything I've been holding on to for the past year.

And crying. God, I'd forgotten how good it feels to cry constructively.

There are good people in my life, and I don't give them near enough credit and I think I forget to do that because I get wrapped up in the emotion of what I'd like them to be rather than reveling in what they really are.

For instance Cayle. Cayle is a very kind man. He's highly intellegent and makes me laugh. He's a news anchor here in town and I get the pleasure of watching him every morning while I get ready for work. Then there's Cole. Cole is one of the smartest people I know. And while he's emotionally closed off, he's always understood who I am. Scott is my favorite goofball. He's always carefree and takes most things in stride. He's always accepted me for who I am... after a little coaxing. He's also always taken my getting angry with him constructively rather than being hurt by it. I can count on him, any day or night, to be there if I need him.

My point is... I'm not sure what my point is.

We talked about a lot of things last night. It was so nice to just talk, spitting out random thoughts about life, my parents, my siblings, my friends, work, the men in my life (He'll never be a romance option, so it's easy to do this with him). And for the first time, someone actually supported me in moving. None of my other friends support me moving.

It's the nick in the bones, the ghost in the tree, the one little tear that can fill up the see. I happened to you, you happened, to me... AND LOVE GOES ON.

I cannot stay here and allow the people in my life who bring me down to use me the way they do. I am mother to one person. ONE PERSON. Emma. That's it.

I cannot continue to let these people force me to run their lives because they think they can't do it on their own. They'll never grow up if I don't let them. If I don't force them to.

Ahhh.... codependancy at it's best.