You know, every once in a while, it doesn't matter how someone spells something. It's the fact that they took the time not only remember what you did, but thought enough of you to ask.

Not necessarily lazy, just don't give a damn I guess. I'm out of control, and unfortunately I'm not able to just wiggle my nose and make it all better. I was doing so well, running my own life, or at least making strides at it. And I somehow slipped back into this place where everyone and everything around me is dictating what I do and how I feel not only about life in general but me.

And, when I stopped last night and thought about it, for most of the night as a matter of fact, I realized that it's been happening for the past few months in little places and I didn't even see it. Then my father started screaming at my mom last night and I just sat back and let it happen and she accused me of not stepping in and sticking up for her and rather than acting on that and telling her that she's an adult and shouldn't need me to stick up to her husband for her, I just sat there looking at her like "You wench, you never stuck up for me when I was growing up so why should I stick up for you now?". Which is not action it's reaction, and vengeful reaction at that.

All of this made me think about who I have around me and who I want around me and I just sat there and cried because the people I have around me, I don't want and the people I want around me, I can't have and the one person I wanted to call, I didn't because I knew he'd be asleep and I knew he'd be tired and I didn't want to wake him up with the same nonsense that he's listened to for the past 9 years because he's better than that.

And I don't say that to hurt, and I don't say it to try to make anyone feel bad, I just say it because he's one of the people who I want in my life and can't have and it drives me crazy.

I know this life isn't supposed to be easy, and I know that I can't have everything I want. But why in the fuck is it so damn hard and why can't I have just a little of what I want?

I mean, I know I've made mistakes, I know I've been a selfish little brat at times, and I know that I've had my moments where the people around me just couldn't stand me, but I've busted my butt for a huge part of my life to make those same people insanely happy with me, not to mention all the other people I've tried to please. So why is it then that when I stop trying to please those people and for once actually try and do something for me, I feel like the whole world is against me?

I just want to fall into their arms and cry. I don't want them to fix it. I don't want them to make it better. I just want to know that the one person I want, is there. Physically, emotionally, unconditionally. And I'm sick and tired of the ones who can't offer that giving me only a little of what they can and teasing me with it. Letting me think that they are there in the ways I so desperately need them.

I wanted to see beauty and all I see are the eyes that are searching so hard. What color are my eyes? Have you ever looked deeply enough to know? And why won't you just tell me how you feel? Why can't you just say it? Good or bad.... I don't care what the answer is. I don't think you even realize that I want an answer. But you should, you should feel it one way or another. And you obviously don't. So what's wrong with me? What is it that keeps you from saying anything good? And what reaction are you expecting that keeps you from being brutally honest? Everyone keeps saying that women play mind games, yet the people who know me best refuse to say what they're really thinking in a last ditch effort to keep from hurting my feelings. Don't you realize that doing this only hurts me more? Not knowing, hoping that maybe it's something good, just waiting until you get the courage to say it, only makes me think that it's really bad news and you're "too nice" to say anything at all.

Sometimes you just have to say "fuck it" to being nice. That, is how you spare people's feelings. Des - 2004-10-27 16:27:19
Meg, You've never done for you...it's been too many years trying to please everyone else...adjusting YOU, your beliefs, opinions, thoughts...for those you cared about. Allowing them to too strongly influence even when you didn't realize they were...and never just stopping and going "hey...what do I think on my own?" It's not easy Babe...It takes time and effort and so much damn practice...It happens when you are raised in dysfunction. You stop trusting yourself...your instincts and it leaves you *us* so damn confused about WHAT to trust, believe...strive for. You have that ability in you...it's just going to take some time...And, I'm up ungodly hours and you can always, always, always call me!! Love You and I am proud of you for taking time out for you with your writing. What's this all for if it doesn't make us feel better anyway??
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A long Winded Rant