Road Map to My Head
2004-05-19 @ 12:37 p.m.

My dreams have been haunted with people from my past in the past few nights. Many of these people are no where to be found in my life these days, others, are still around in various ways, all differing from their original involvement.

It bothers me, not because of them being in my dreams, or still being around, but because of the false hope my dreams have a tendancy to give me.

I don't want to dream of being with J again. I don't want to remember the way it feels to be in his arms, with one hand on the side of my face, holding me that close. I see him regularly, business related, and it's hard to see him, and not want all of this. But Jesus, it's been years.

Am I really so dependent on others being near to be happy? I hate to think so, but I'm beginning to believe it.

For so long I thought I was strong, that I didn't need anyone, and now, it seems maybe I'm the weakest of all because I was unable to see that I needed (not really, but felt I did) all these people around just to feel content with who I am.

Why is that?

And, why not allow someone wonderful to enter, or reenter, my life if that's the way it has to be?? I deserve someone wonderful.

Don't I?

See? This, is exactly what happens when you start asking what's going through my mind.

Just pull out a road map, find a black, red and blue pen, and start working your way now. This is a long and winding road that I'm not even sure where the end is. Are you really prepared to take this journey? It's your choice.