Letters
2004-03-24 @ 4:40 p.m.

I'm at a point of giving up. I can't fight for it any more if I feel you aren't fighting just as hard. What's the point?

It's been such a long road, and from the beginning I've always been hopeful of the fairy tale ending, but I'm just not so sure any more.

I know when you're at work you don't want to say anything incriminating, I understand it's akward and strange to have to feel like you're defending yourself, or explaining yourself, but when you're at home, why not be you? Why not tell me you love me? It just doesn't make sense to me.

Yes, I understand that I'm a very strong force when it comes to love. If I love you, I'm going to tell you and there will be no stopping me. And maybe that's why it's so hard for me to understand you. It just doesn't seem logical for you to tell me at one point that you love me, talk about plans with me, then the next in a conversation that started out as simple banter tell me "don't feel bad, that great guy isn't really looking right now".

You're right, he shouldn't be. He should be telling me that He's already found what he's looking for and that the person he found is typing back to him. That the person he found is 5'6", blonde with green eyes has an amazing little girl and lives 1800 miles away but that the distance is something to be worked on, something that can be overcome.

I really don't see how that's too much to ask.

The fairy tales aren't real. That's something I came to know a long time ago, but in you I found hope that one, just one, could come true. My faith is faultering.

What's worse is that of all the relationships I've had, this will be the first where I've felt I couldn't be friends with the other person. I hate that what we started from, what we grew from cannot be attained again. I hate that in losing this, I feel I'll be losing my best friend, the person who's been there through everything with me.

I don't want to cry and though the tears are threatening to fall, I blink them back. Tears are a physical way of showing emotion and maybe, just maybe if I don't let them fall, there will be no physicality meaning it's not really...real.

I've said a lot, and yet my heart is not content. I'm not sure what it will take to make me at ease with this situation. Rectification seems like the last straw, the last possibility yet the only answer.

Pergatory.

I guess the last thing to say is I love you. Like it or not, it's the truth. It's something that you can run from, but will always be there. And I'll be here, waiting for you when you decide to come to me.

Sweet dreams.

~M.