Fly
2005-05-22 @ 4:58 p.m.

"I'll spread my wings and look to the sun...."

Decisions, decisions.

Sometimes, it's the ones that seem so obvious, that are so hard to make.

I know what I should do, I know what I've wanted for all this time. I know, that finally, he's willing to give me, be who, I've wanted for 10 years. 10 YEARS.

But, now, standing at this crossroads, I'm not sure that it's what I want any more. I spent so much time hoping, and praying and feeling let down that I don't trust this new found life I'm being offered. I don't trust that little turquoise box that's sitting on the dresser in my bedroom.... unopened. I haven't even dared look at it again.

I don't know what to feel, think, say, do. I don't understand this person who understands all of a sudden what I've needed for all these years. And I don't believe this person who's willing to give it to me. Anyone, anyone but him, and I probably could. But he's been the "untouchable". Mine, and then someone else's and never really mine at all it seemed.

But now........ He wants to be mine. He wants what I want. He wants to call my beautiful daughter his own. He wants to provide a home and a loving family for her. He wants to give her the world, and I'm so fucking afraid he's going to take mine away. But that's part of the deal. He is the world I've wanted, and now, he's willing to give that to me too.

He'll be here for another week, and then fly home a week from today. I have a ticket for me, and one for Em to go with him. It would be the last time we called this town our home. We would take only what had sentimental value and leave the rest. Someone I've never met would pack it all up, put it in storage until I make a trip down to pick it up.

We'd live in his appartment until we found a house we both love. I'd find a job "when I get the chance" (his words, not mine), and I'd get to raise my daughter the way I've dreamed of.

So what's wrong? Why can't I just say "yes"? Because life here, is good. Because I've learned to be so damn independent, that I'm not sure I know how to be with someone again. I don't know that I want to share Em with anyone. We have a quiet, simple existance right now. Why change it?

Decisions, decisions.....