Maybe
2004-12-09 @ 4:34 p.m.

I watched your sky fall today, from glorious blue to shades of gray. Then the rain started pouring down until it turned to hears streaming down your face.

It's been a long bad day and I just want it to all be over with.

I hate being emotional. I hate feeling like I could cry at any minute and that nothing in the world seems to be going in my favor. I guess it's not even so much that it's not going in my favor but more that I'm so stressed, I can't see that with the bad comes the good and so on and so forth.

Don't tell me it's going to be okay. This much I know. It's not the outcome that worries me. (Of course it's going to be okay. It's either okay, or you're dead. There is no other option.) It's the journey to get to "okay" that scares and stresses me.

I don't like doing things that cause people to react. I'm not a great writer who's words can bring people to hot debates, and I'm not an activist that brings people to their feet in support. I'm simply me, hanging on for dear life and hoping that while doing so, no one will notice that I'm there at all. I just want to fade away....I am, a flower quickly fading....

Tomorrow's going to be a long day, I've got court at 1:15. But then, I get to pick Ma Petite Ange up early and fix her hair and get all dressed up. Then we're going to the ballett. I can't wait. A new tradition starting, and it's the only thing that feels good, that feels right.

Maybe tonight, I can get some sleep. Maybe tomorrow, I can be a little better.