I didn't sleep well at all last night.

I went out with Cole to see Garden State, and it was almost 12:30 am when I finally got home. But that's not what caused my lack of sleep.

The book I'm reading right now kept me up most of the night. I'm not too far into the book yet, something like chapter 4... but the chapter I just read made me sick, litterally.

Abortion has been a hot issue around here lately, and what I read was on the same topic. How can you see you see the face of a little baby, and then kill it?!????? It makes me sick to even think about it.

Many of you know my dirty little secrets. Some of you know that I had an abortion less than a year ago.

At the time, I felt it was the right, and the only decision that was for me. I've never in all my life felt so much pain as I have in the past 10 months. Or as much as I do today.

I, thank God, did not have a partial birth, or saline abortion, as I was 6 weeks to the day when I had mine. I'm not saying that it makes it any better, because it certianly does not.

I have in the past several months, changed, drastically, my views on abortion.

Okay, let's get the story out there.....

On November 13th of last year I was raped by my exhusband. He beat me, severely, and then raped me while I was unconcious. This, to me, validated the abortion. I did not want any more children, my little girl was more than enough. I didn't want to be pregnant, I didn't want to go through the looks, the anger, and the questions that I knew would ensue.

I was completely selfish. I was wrong.

I've had a lot of trouble dealing with this issue in my life, and some of my closest friends didn't know until very recently, or still don't know at all.

One night, while I sat in my livingroom crying for my little baby, for my choices, it dawned on me that if I was having this hard a time with the ramifications, that it couldn't have been right.

I made a mistake, I will forever have to deal with that mistake. And I would NEVER, EVER advise anyone to have an abortion. It is, hands down, the worst decision a person can make when it comes to an unborn child.

I'm now very pro-life. I'm not afraid to let anyone know it either.

Someone once told me that the reason we make mistakes is to learn from them, to grow, to become a better person by not repeating history.....

Last night I had nightmares of children screaming. Of babies crying. They were in so much pain, and it was all caused by me..... Me - 2004-10-18 10:14:27
Des: You're right, that's the beauty of good friends. I'm glad you're one of mine.

Pete: That's the lesson I'm learning, and the one I'm learning to embrace. Thank you for reminding me again....
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lora - 2004-10-15 10:38:04
(((((hugs))))))
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Heather - 2004-10-15 11:09:47
I can relate with you, more than I am comfortable sharing in this little box. Just know that at the time you made the decision that was best for you. Hind sight is always going to be 20/20 and we learn something from everything we do.
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HRT - 2004-10-15 12:35:38
I have much respect for you sis. I am now officially a fan.
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Nicole - 2004-10-15 13:30:15
I also can relate with you more than I'd care to admit here - I'd admire you for facing your decision head on. You can not change the past, but you can change the future. IT was the best decision for your life at that moment. I too have different views on the subject than I did earlier in my life. IT's amazing what life experience can teach you.
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missspunk - 2004-10-15 13:41:54
Ok it is easy for us to sit here and say you did what was best for you at the time. Looking back you might say you did a horrible mistake and yes you might be haunted by the what if's the what could have been's the what should have been's. The sad truth is you will never know the answers to those questions. All you can do is live in the here and now. Know and accept you did what you had to do. No one has a right to judge you on that no even you. I am pro life for me but I do believe that everyone should have the option to make the choice. Its safe to say your life would be very very different if you had not made the choice you did. Some for the good and more then likely some for the bad. Its too late to second guess your choices. Instead wrap your arms around your little girl tell her you love her and focus on the here and now. Make the memory of the little one that was never meant to be proud of you, make it worth it. Look up to the heavens smile and tell him/her that you loved them to and he/she will know and feel that you did what was best for everyone.
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Wendy - 2004-10-15 17:34:31
You know what? You did what you thought was right. Under the circumstances, I dare say you probably were not thinking as clearly as you usually would be. But what is done is done. If you could change it you would, but you can't. Dwelling on it and crucifying yourself for it will do no good. All you can do is learn from it.

Abortion is one of those topics I usually avoid, since it is based on highly emotional charged belief systems. But seeing as the last time I had a threaded discussion with you was over Pete's religious entry, what the heck.

This is the kind of entry people need to see because it crosses the boundaries of a difficult topic, and shows the human reality instead of the media hype and unemotional legal decisions linked with abortion. So even though I'm sure it was painful for you, thank you for sharing your story.

I personal have mixed feelings, being a former healthcare professional, not brought up with a specific religion, yet also being adopted -- so I commend you on making your decision before I have figured out how to make mine. -- P.P.