Long Winded and Windy
2004-08-23 @ 8:02 a.m.

You know, it will never cease to amaze me at how some people go about settling something. It usually turns out that it doesn't get settled at all, and people get hurt.

This weekend was no exception.

Rather than coming to me, asking me what was going on, the two people in my life I trusted the most jumped to conclusions, called me a liar, and argued with me about how I feel.

Last time I checked, I'm the only one who has 100% full knowlege of how I feel. I kind of controll that part of me people.

So, Friday night ended poorly. Saturday we didn't speak, nor yesterday. Today I came in to work, checked my email and found the last two text messages from him, that I had missed after leaving Friday night. One was telling me that he felt the same way she did, so I may as well not lie to either of them any more, and the second telling me that all I ever did was lie.

It's funny to me that these people I thought knew me so well can accuse me of that. All I've ever been was honest.

I don't know when I'll speak to either of them again. Right now, I don't care. Right now, I want to try not to cry, blink back the tears and pretned I'm the pillar of stregnth so many of my friends think I am.

Today, I want to pack up my baby, get in my car and drive, just sleep where we land, and then continue tomorrow. They were really the only reason I stayed, my two best friends. And right now, even if they both appologized, saw the error of their ways, I can't say that I'd want to be friends with them anyway. I don't want people who doubt me, question my loyalty and friendship in my life at all.

I especially don't need someone coming back to me and telling me I lied about one of the biggest events in my life. I don't need her telling me that just because I didn't cry to anyone, that just because outwardly, I showed no remorse, means that it never happened. I was there, I remember the silent tears while it happened. I remember going home to my daughter on her second birthday, just hours after killing her sister. And while you may call me a liar, I know in my heart you're just too scared to admit that life's not always rose colored.

I don't need you. And just because I know it will hurt a little more, I DON'T WANT YOU.

~M.