No more "Follow the leader"
2004-07-22 @ 10:01 a.m.

No, I'm not saying a long good bye. You know I'm a highly dramatic person, and it got your attention, didn't it?

I do however want to tell you that this will be my last email for a while. I know you're busy, and I want you to know that you not returning/answering my calls or emails has nothing to do with it really.

I simply have a lot on my mind, a lot going on, and I don't think that having anyone else around will help. Fuck Cole, I don't have anyone around anyway. I get to talk to the people I cherish most for a few minutes once or twice a month and the only thing it does is make me long more for them to be in my life. What good does that do? None.

So, when you come to town, call me, or email me. I'll still have my email open every day, I'm still home in the evenings, hell, I'll give you my 800 number for work. You're always welcome to contact me, and in fact, I'd love it. But I'm not going to make any first moves any more. I'm tired. I want someone to seek me out for a change, to let me know that I'm really wanted in their lives, and I guess, in doing this, I'll feel like the people who do chose to come to me, are the ones who want me with them. You know?

I love you, and truely hope to see you next time you're here, or maybe we can look at meeting somewhere in between us some time.

Hope to hear from you soon,

Meg

So, this is a letter I sent to Cole a few days ago. I haven't heard back from him, and that's okay. I didn't expect to this soon, I know him too well for that. Odds are, he hasn't even read it yet. I'm just so tired of chasing my relationships around just to keep them. I'm done. I'm tired of wanting something, of my friends being absolutely wonderful when we talk but feeling like they don't reciprocate the effort put into gaining ground in the relationship. I always make the phone calls, send the emails, write the letters, make plans. I am the initiater of all things.

Maybe that's why I thought David was so different. He called me almost every morning, just to say hell and have a good day. He called me in the evenings to see how my day was. Or maybe, because I've known him for so long I've mistaken this seemingly kind man for a man who is simply a creature of habit, as I am.

Scotts last day at Pru was yesterday. He's off until August 3rd, before he starts his new job. It's more money and better hours, so he's happy. Today's the first work day in 3 years that I haven't emailed him first thing in the morning. It seems so strange. He's going to spend the next week and a half moving into the house he just bought, and sending my package I hope. I spoke to him last night and when I asked what his plans were he said "Moving, getting to the post office so I can get some key lime jelly beans to this girl I know down in Texas, and talking to my cutie! (me)" It made me happy to hear from him again, just randomly, to talk about nothing.

Well, back to the grind, we'll see how the whole "me not initiating things" thing goes.... I'll keep you posted.

~M.