Drowning
2004-07-19 @ 10:02 a.m.

A few people have asked, in private, what N. meant about me drowning in the lake. I can't, honestly, remember if I've told you previously or not, so I'll tell you today.

It's my very first memory, a vision that haunts me still, almost twenty years later. Some have said that surely I have previous memories, many people can remember things from as early as the age of two. But I know, with all certainty, I do not.

It was a chilly day in the Texas panhandle, the weather caught inbetween winter and spring. My parents had decided that it would be a good idea to get some fresh air, to get outside after a long winter.

Lake Greenbelt was, and still is, a favorite destination of theirs, and this day was no different. They set out their blankets, their sandwiches and their drinks of choice - vodka and rum.

I remember telling my mother that I was going to take a walk, and her not saying anything in reply, so I walked away. I remember seeing a little fish, and taking a stick to poke at it, possibly trying to imitate a movie I'd seen where they speared fish to eat. My little fish swam quickly away and I followed, right into the cold water. I remember hearing my parents laughter floating up to me, I remember the water feeling mucky under my feet. I remember how brown it was underthere, that I couldn't see anything, that I could hold my breath anylonger but knew that I couldn't take one under there. I remember my feet sinking deeper into the mud, and the only thing I knew to do was raise my hand up as far as I could.

That's the last thing I remember until N pulled me out.

To this day I've never seen my parents worry about anything. Even then, I got in trouble for wandering off, rather than them feeling badly for letting me go.

It's funny really, I knew, in that moment, that I would be different from the rest of my family. That N and I would have a bond for life.

That we, were so much better than they were, and still are.

Welcome to the warped way of me.......