Life Is
2005-06-22 @ 3:43 p.m.

"....to be, or not to be...."

So much time is spent, at least for many in my generation, wondering, pondering what exactly life "is". I myself have spent more time than any one human being should on trying to figure out the answer to this question...some would say, with out luck. Maybe they're right, maybe they aren't, it all depends on perspective, just like my answer.

Life is, as cliche as it all sounds, everything. Life is family, friends, home, vacation, people we meet for only an instant, people we cherish for a life time.

Every day I see people come and go. Some of them treat me like absolute dirt because I'm on the side of the counter that means I'm there to serve them. Other's I've built quasi-relationships with and I enjoy seeing on a daily basis. Take Will for example; Will and I hit it off from day 1. He's almost 3 years older than me and we come from completely different backgrounds. But somehow, for some reason, we became fast friends. When I started at this store, he came in once a day for Camel Lights and a cup of black coffee. Today, and almost every day now, he was in for his ciggarettes, coffee, a rootbeer, a package of reece's peanuts, and then another root beer. It's my guess that tomorrow, just like yesterday will be the same. He's helped me with my Algebra when I needed it and we've spoken several times over the phone. He's got severe eye problems which could attest to his actual physical attraction he has to me, and he had a cleft pallett when he was a child. He's a sweet guy. But a guy in every sense of the word and days when I don't see him, it truely saddens me. Then there's the Smiths. They're old enough to be my parents, but two of the nicest most interesting people I've ever met. She'll sit and talk clothes, shopping, kids and family, while he'll tell you everything you want to know about being stationed in Germany for any period of time. She calls me "sweetie" and he calls me "youngin'". He asks me if I've found a man yet, and she tries to set me up with their son. They're wonderful people.

People like this are people we may just pass by until a moment hits that you can't turn away from. You're forced into makeing something of it, and sometimes those are some of the best moments anyway.

I have to say that over the past few months life has somewhat changed and I feel that even though things have been hard, they've changed for the better. This past year in and of it's self has been a challenge, and one that on occasion I have not risen to. But each instanse, each event made me who I am now, and moulds me for tomorrow.

In the past year I've been mixed up with some shady people, myself included at times. First there was "Barry". "Barry" was someone I trusted, who I shouldn't have. I even drove almost 10 hours to see him, had a wonderful weekend, and thought maybe, just maybe it could go somewhere when he suggested the school in his locale that has a wonderful music program. Then the day I left he changed, and was never the same after that. He hurt me with words, and lack of. Then made it finally by being outright ugly to me, and then calling me his stalker, when I hadn't even spoken with him or tried to in quite some time. It's too bad, he had potential and could have had a great girl. Too, bad I don't date guys who can't "keep it up"..... (Yes, I feel better now that I've said it.)

I've dated "The Boy", who, is a great guy. He's sweet, and wonderful and kind, and never made an improper move on me at all. In fact, he never made a move period. He kissed me on the forehead, held my hand and hugged me constantly but a girl needs more than that and now, we don't even speak for more than two seconds when one of us calls to catch up.

Then there was Mike. I met Mike at a bar one night when my cousin and I went out. He and I hit it off pretty quickly. We ended up leaving to go get breakfast around 2 and I never even made it home to go to bed before work by the time we finished talking. I saw him again two weeks later and we ended up having sex, and then I never heard from him again. I see him out on occasion and we talk, we pretend like we're friends when in all honesty he knows I'd like to take my knee to his nose in a fast, hard, sweeping movement. Come on, he's an ass, not completely stupid.

Next comes Matt. Matt is a sweetheart, a real peach. We see eachother at least 3 times a week and he makes it a point to get together with me at least once a weekend to just "hang out". His little boy has been "dating" Emma for 2 years now... they go to the same pre-school. Matt was hurt pretty badly by his ex-wife and is looking for nothing but a "fuckbuddy". I'm looking for more, so we call it even by being friends and nothing else.

Danny is next in line. Danny is Matt's best friend who I instantly had a thing for. Danny is tall, fairly goodlooking and has beautiful green eyes. He brings me lunch to work a couple times a week and we try to go golfing at least once a month. (Yes, I've started playing golf, and I really like it. It's very relaxing.) He treats me well and I adore him for it. So does his wife and 2.5 kids. There's a disaster waiting to happen.

There are a whole long line of people, men and women alike who alter who we are, all of these people have changed me in some small way. Some of them have made me cry, some of have hardend me. There are people I've felt compassion for, and people I've hated so bitterly, that I wanted nothing to do with them. But we take a part of every wone of them even when we don't realize it.

I've been asked by someone to marry them. He's hurt me a lot in the past year, and probably for years before without my understanding it. But we've had far more good times than bad and I love him immensely. He's funny, loving, sweet, and loves me endlessly. Granted, he's had his head up his ass sinse this time last year, but thankfully he's pulled it out for the most part. He's been my best friend through more than any one person should stick around for. I cherish him and for years wanted nothing more than to be with him forever.

I told him no.

I'm not going to settle for someone who'll treat me that way and then come running back. I'm not going to sell myself short, and he'll have to prove to me that he wants me badly enough to be who I need him to be, while still being him. He, more than any one person has changed who I am....

That dear children, is what life is. It's searching and finding who you are, through the people you encounter. It's a cycle, a whirlpool and an adventure. It's something to cherish.

I wanted to end with that, and I will, to a degree. But the last thing I need to say is directed at two beautiful women who've experienced changes in their lives. I want them both to know that I admire them so deeply for the way they've handled life. You're the strongest women I know, and I can only home that in this life, one of the things I take, is to be a little more like you.... I love you both.

Meg