Venting
2004-09-10 @ 9:54 a.m.

I've been thinking all morning about how I was going to say what I want/need to say without coming off as pompous. I don't know if I've acheived it or not, but either way, I guess it doesn't completely matter.

I got into a pretty heated argument with my mother last night. I don't know when she'll speak to me again. But, she know's better, or should, than to get into it with me about two things: religion, and politics.

She broke the cardnal rule last night.

My father just sat there watching us like we'd lost our minds, and twice the people from upstairs came down to make sure everything was okay.

I have no regrets in finally telling my mother how I truely feel, and what I'm starting to believe. I know that in the past I've always played the good like chrisian girl role so well with her. She's always thought me to be the well rounded, perfect child she raised, and frankly, not only am I not that child, but that's incredibly boring.

I have no regrets in breaking down her logic, in being able to shoot back with facts from the things I've learned in order to make her think twice.

I do regret that I made her feel inferior. That was never my intention. If I had meant to make her feel that way, I wouldn't feel poorly about it at all. But I hate making my mom feel stupid. She's simply uneducated, not by lack of options, but by choice.... whether she realizes it or not. I've simply strived to make it a point to learn everything I can about everything and in doing so have acheived so much more, even if only in simply intelligence than she ever has dreamed of. She keeps telling me that I'm smart, that I got all the brains in the family, but I don't think that's exactly what it is. I've just put myself in a posisition to constantly soak in everything I can.

I digress.....

Anyway, I think she feels like I'm abusing Emma by not promising to force Christianity on her. It's simply like this -- I go to Church, I'm actually pretty involved in my church. My pastor knows exactly how I feel and think, it's our "secret" that we agreed to keep. Our deal was that if I continued to come to church, continued to view it as an option, continued to learn, that he would never mention it, unless I came to him. Emma goes with me. She's seemingly being raised in a Christian home, with a good family (me). But, it's guidance for her future life. She's not old enough to decide right now what she want's to believe in this area of her life. When she is, she is free to choose how she wants to, without so much as a condecending word from me. As long as she's living her life, in a good way, not breaking the law, being kind, and gentle (as every lady should be) and helping to make the world a better place, then she's free to believe how she wants. I'll never be more proud of her for anything than I will be for being a good person, and following her heart rather than letting the oppressive beliefs of the "bible belt" we live in dictate her life.

Is that so wrong?

I'm angry again. Writing gets me worked up rather than releasing some times. Then, once in a while, it's okay to be angry when you're passionate about something and the way I raise my child (MY CHILD) is something I'm incredibly passionate about. I mean, come on, I may not be perfect, but I'm a damn good mom. Emma wouldn't be as wonderful as she is to others if I wasn't.

Agh!!