I'm okay
2004-09-02 @ 8:35 a.m.

I feel like my skin, my hair, my very breath is infused with autumn air. I feel like I can stretch from my toes all the way to my finger tips. The only thing better would be if I were on the East Coast rather than here, in nowhere.

I was thinking this morning about my family, my brothers, myself. I was trying to imagine my family at my wedding, if they'd be happy, if they'd even like the guy, and if not, would they still make the best of it?

I tried to imagine my brothers telling me they're getting married, that they've fallen in love and can't wait to spend the rest of their lives with someone. I can't do it. They're babies to me.

I can't imagine them ever being in love with anyone, or settling down. It's a funny feeling to me, to think that I could have a sister-in-law one day that I may actually like, and call family.

I'd love to have a huge family. Even if Emma is an only child for me, I'd love to have lots of nieces and nephews. I love the idea of having a real family to go out to eat with, to spend holidays with. People I can really love.

Where did this come from? I'm usually such a free spirit, not wanting much of anything to do with anyone in my family other than N. And maybe my younger brothers on occasion. I can honestly say that last night stirred something in me.

Sitting with is family... His mother, father, brother, brother's girl friend, auts, uncles, nieces, nephews and of course the cat...... was like being home. I feel so comfortable with them, and being one of them, one of the family, is a role I play easily. And what's more, I love being in that role with him.

I feel good today. Yes, I'm tired, VERY tired, but I'm well. For the first time in so very long, I feel like I'm actually okay.