Long Winded
2004-08-10 @ 9:04 a.m.

Okay, so you want to know about the weekend.

We travelled for 14 hours, stopping at little towns along the way, dodging in and out of tiney shopps run by people everyone in town knows.

I've always loved being the outsider in little towns like this. N always says I fit-in, only in places I shouldn't. =) He's goofy. I've always been able to get along with these people in a way that would apperently seem I've lived there all my life. I guess I just adapt quickly, and well. This is part of me that struggles to figure out who I am.... this being able to just adapt like that. It brings me to long to live in the big city, where I tend to blend well in the hustle bustle of fast paced life. Yet, I always dream of my sleeply little ozark town, or a small fishing town in Maine. It's incredibly conflicting to someone like me.

Anyway, back from my drifting thoughts. N and I basically spent the weekend antiquing, laughing, being artsy in our odd little ways. Mostly we spent a lot of time in and out of the car, me singing at the top of my lungs to songs I love and miss when he's not around... our songs. He'd pipe in every now and again and we'd both end up laughing so hard neither of us could finish the song. My poor N, I got all the musical talent for both of us.

He let me cry this weekend, and again last night when we talked about telling Scott. Now mind you, Scott's reation was more than I could have hoped for. I told him about barely being able to get out of bed in the mornings, about my strong urge and desire to drink. He simply asked if I'd spoken to Linda (my therepist) about it all. When I told him know he turned on the "sweetheart" charm. "Honey, sweetie, baby, you really need to talk to Linda. You're depressed, and you need help. Is this why you started the medications?" "Yes" "And now you're off of them?" "Yes" "Baby, I love you, I want you to get help. Find a support group, find someone who's been there, to talk to. I'll help you find someone if you need me to."

We also talked about my knight in shining armor, and how he's one of those people who I want to fill that opening, but he's never offered to. He told me "Megan, I love you, more than you'll ever know, and more than I can express. But, you're in Texas, and I'm in New Jersey, and neither of us is in a place to move right now." I was honest and told him that if we waited until one of us was in a posistion to move, we'll never be together. He quietly said that he never wanted us to not be together, that one of his goals is to be with me, eternally. I want to believe him so much, but, if he's not willing to just jump, how can I? Then again, not everyone is as hopelessly romantic as I am, and he has stuck it out with more for more years, and through more crap than anyone else. If I hadn't married DS, he and I would probably be together now. So, all in all, it's my fault to begin with.

N, got all this and more last night at dinner. And some of it again after Scott called from his hotel in Yutica, NY last night. (You know, when Scott calls, and does his sweet, "I'm not hanging up first" bit, I fall in love with him again. That's the Scott I adore.... along with so much more.)Bless his heart.

I'm tired today, it's going to be another hectic day at work, hopefully it will end as well as yesterday did, with a phone call from some quiet hotel room.

Until tomorrow.......

~M.