How it really is
2004-05-12 @ 2:29 p.m.

Someone recently asked how I'm doing. Not such an uncommon question I guess, but I'm the type of person who will rarely give an outward answer. I'm the "I'm well, thank you." without much elaboration type person.

So, here's the once in a life time elaboration of just how I am doing.

I'm hurting.

My mind and heart are so confused.

I cry myself to sleep most nights.

I'm very, VERY angry at many people.

I'm meandering toward a depression that I don't particularly like.

I've decided to put behind me, almost everything I've ever been taught, in order to choose what I feel, think and believe on my own. And it scares the shit (sorry Cassie) out of me.

A lot of the memories I'd tried so hard to put away, have been reopened and are bleeding profusely.

I thought I was in love, and maybe I still do, but the other person, I'm not so sure about.

I wonder at times if I really am just one person, or if I split into two, three or four, depending on whom I'm with.

I think that for years, I denyed something that I should have jumped at. I wonder if it's too late, and I hope not. This pains me greatly.

I'm still struggeling with the productions of my divorce and leaving that part of my life behind.

I'm still fighting this disease, codependancey with tanks and lots of amo, all to no avail it seems.

I feel a stong dissapointment towards my family right now, all but N.

*sigh*

This is how I'm truely doing.

Don't get me wrong, I have a wonderful daughter, a few really great friends, and everything I need. When Cole said to me a few weeks ago that I'd had a hard-knock life, I laughed. Even through all the shit, I never felt that way. So many people have it worse than I ever have.

I don't know guys, what do you think?