Why?
2004-04-12 @ 1:28 p.m.

I'm restless, and I want out.

I want away from Scott. I want away from Mark, and I want away from the feelings I feel.

I want release. I need it, not so much physically, but mentally. It doesn't matter what I do, run, box, dance, sing, it doesn't relieve the tension of the mind, soul and heart.

I want to cry, I want to scream and I want to be happy and laugh.

I remember last weekend in Lubbock, I was sitting on Davids lap, laughing, hysterically.... I want that feeling, all the time. It's so wonderful. I want the feeling of watching my beautiful daughter hunting for easter eggs, inside because it was 40* and rainy yesterday. I want the feeling of looking at her this morning while she got in the car, pig tails and blue sweater, she's amazing.

I hate this uneasy feeling. I love the way I felt last night talking to Charlie. I love the way he'd laugh at my accent and told me that if I were his girl friend he'd never be mad at me because I'd just have to say "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it" with my accent and he'd melt.

I love just feeling good.

So why do I run from it? Why is it so hard for me to let go?

Why?

Why?

Why?

I promised him Italy.